| 2.16.02
• SKATE GATE 2002:
Or, “How I stopped worrying and learned to love the lutz.”
A funny thing: Even though their names have been bombarded at
me for a week now, I still can’t tell you exactly what
they are. Who? Well, the Canadian and Russian figure skaters,
of course. You know, that goofy French-Canadian and his partner,
the one who looks like a model (and after the exposure and camera
face-time she’s received over the past week, those modeling
offers should be pouring in).
In an unprecedented move yesterday, the IOC awarded the Canadians
gold medals to go along with their “tainted” silver
ones. By not stripping the Russians of theirs, we have a unique
situation where there are two sets of gold medals, no silvers,
and a very confused bronze medal winning team, wondering where
their upgrade is.
The heroes? The skaters.
The goat? One cranky, and easily impressionable, French judge.
The poor Gaul has been disbarred from putting her stamp on a
double axel versus a quadruple lutz, and won’t be able
to deduct a point and a half for a wedgie riding just a oui
bit too high anymore. The unfortunate woman was supposedly pressured
into giving the Eastern Europeans a better score, as opposed
to those annoying Canadians- who can’t seem to decide
if they want to speak French or English, and in a truly horrific
act of terror, unleashed Celine Dion upon the rest of the world.
While the global community is shocked- shocked!- by this French
betrayal of the Olympic honor system, I am not. C’mon,
people, I ask you: Should we really be surprised by a Frenchmen
rolling over and playing dead in the face of Eastern European
aggression?
“Bonjour, Monsieur Nazi, et Bienvenue a Paris! Café?
Baguette? Key to the city and entry to Western Europe, perhaps?”
As Bill Bryson once eloquently stated, as much as I love France,
the French army is about as threatening as a Girl Scout Troop.
The other overlooked aspect of “Skate Gate,” as
it has become known, is how all of this controversy has only
benefited the Canadians. Let’s face it, if they had won
the damn thing then Canada would’ve been happy, Elite
would have come calling, and we would all be concerning ourselves
with the more important matter of whether or not the U.S. Men’s
Hockey Team will be able to win a gold medal and not trash their
hotel rooms this time around.
With a clean victory, the Canadian duo skates off into that
Vancouver sunset and become heroes of the Great White North.
But thanks to one unstable French figure skating judge (which
you would think would go without saying), these two are on every
TV program, every magazine cover, and every Winter Olympic broadcast
from now until the end of time (or maybe late July, whichever
comes first).
As Skate Gate hopefully draws to a conclusion, the media has
roughly one week to find another story to wrap itself around.
If I may be so bold as to suggest a topic: Men’s Double
Luge. Two guys lying on top of one another on a tiny sled when
really one will do. Necessary? Or simply a SNL skit waiting
to happen? Discuss.
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