| 5/23/01
• JOB HUNTING
Sitting at home waiting for a job, or Ed to show up with a really
large check, can really tire one out. After all, there is a
great truth that many golfers will attest to, and that is that
doing a whole lot of nothing can still take more out of you
than you ever expected.
In
this wonderful modern age of the Internet, I don’t ever
mail my resume out, or even do that much cold-calling. Instead,
I pull my life’s work (distilled onto one easy-to-read
page) off of my trusty hard drive, and e-mail it out like the
latest e-chain letter or joke of the day. I hope that the latter
allusion isn’t as fitting as it just sounded. Of course,
if it is, I think I just explained why I’m sitting here
typing out my thoughts instead of stealing pens and Post-It
Notes, while keeping one eyeball trained on the clock.
Ahhh, work. These days there are a million and one different
jobs, and none of them seem to be hiring. But fear not, dear
reader, for when faced with adversity, we Americans always find
a way. Microwave popcorn, anyone? Of course, challenged by a
market that appears to prefer to sink than swim, I’m getting
a bit too familiar with the phrase, “hiring freeze.”
However, it seems that American ingenuity and the entrepreneurial
spirit of P.T. Barnum, have blazed a path through the forest
so one won’t get so distracted by all of the trees. To
what do I refer? Job-hunting guides, of course. Everything from
Web sites, to books, to seminars; anything that can take money
out of your pocket just when you have so much to spare. My pet-peeve
is the ever-popular “for Dummies” series, that has
now branched out to include job hunting. If you ask me, I can’t
think of a single employer who wouldn’t be thrilled to
know that they just hired a self-proclaimed “dummy.”
I can’t even linger near those simplified manuals in the
bookstore. Every time I see one, I quickly change direction,
lest someone see me reading it and quietly assume to themselves,
“Aha, a dummy. Look, you can also tell by the shoes.”
No, I end up grabbing the first book I can on the opposite shelf
and try to look engrossed. The only time this is known to backfire
is when I’ve managed to find myself blissfully reading
a copy of “Simple Women Who Love Simple Men, or, Dating
for Dummies.”
But the focus of this rant was supposed to be finding a job,
and I’ve veered off subject. Although, this does bring
me to another excellent point: Procrastination and how it affects
the overall job-hunting experience.
I, with all modesty aside, am a fantastic procrastinator. Truth
be told, I was to receive an early lifetime achievement award
from the Procrastinator’s Club of America, but as of yet
they still haven’t gotten back to me about it.
Job hunting can be easily derailed when one attempts to do it
from the home. With all of the wonderful distractions available
these days -- the Internet, TV, and that highly addictive version
of Solitaire on my laptop -- I still find that my No. 1 enemy
is the one I spend the entire morning attempting to do: Get
out of bed.
Oh, yes, ladies and gentlemen, your bed is a formidable opponent.
With no real place to be or task to attend to (job hunting non-withstanding),
getting out of bed in the morning becomes a challenge worthy
of American Gladiators (not that I used to watch that show or
anything, but if you ask me, it “jumped the shark”
once Laser started making sitcom appearances). I definitely
find that lying in bed, I begin to hear the two sides of my
personality launch a fierce verbal debate.
“You must get out of bed. There is a job out there waiting
for you!”
“&^%! that, Buddy. The resumes are out there, let
‘em call you. Now let’s close our eyes and get back
to those babes from planet Latex.”
“If you don’t act proactively, you’ll never
find work!”
“And if you don’t shut up, we’ll never get
to that Latex Lady toga party!”
You can see how this would leave one fairly confused at such
an early hour. Now, while my “good” side has a valid
point and is probably right, my “bad” side just
reminded me of how good those latex togas looked…
And you can see how I never seem to get much accomplished.
On the upside, I have an open invitation to visit planet Latex,
and I think I hear that bed calling out final boarding now…
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