WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2001
SPORTS MONSTER FLOOR HOCKEY
GYM RATS vs. DAMIAN
Gym Rats 4 • Damian 7
CHICAGO, IL – It was another frustrating loss for the
embattled members of the Gym Rats last night, as they fell
7-4 to the devilish offensive techniques of team Damian. Of
course, it did not help their case that when they tried to
form their sticks into giant crucifixes to ward off the evil
enemy, they were summarily called for high sticking...
With a gleam in his plastic shielded eye (courtesy of new,
suave and stylish protective eye-wear), Greg "If they
keep trying to touch me down there, I'm gonna have to start
charging them" Rolnick, stepped onto the court for the
opening faceoff.
The Gym Rats got on the board first with a booming slap shot
from the neutral zone, but then slipped up on their defensive
coverage and allowed three unanswered goals.
The Gym Rats began to recoup and rally, eventually scoring
two goals to tie-- including a beautiful one-timer from the
slot, courtesy of Mr. Rolnick. However, as the clock wound
down on the first half, the malevolent Damian center who had
been the bane of the Gym Rats first half (accounting for most
of their scoring), somehow drew possession of the ball and
exorcized a head-spinning deke on the hapless Gym Rat defender
and scored top-shelf (to the Gym Rats cries of, "God
help us!").
At the half, it was Gym Rats 3 and Damian 4.
The second half saw things get a bit more physical.
While trying to win the ball away from the oncoming Damian
attacker (whom we shall refer to as "The Moyel"),
Rolnick watched in horror as the Moyel's stick rose upwards
towards his nether regions. As his lips slowly began to form
the word, "Nooooooooo...," Rolnick felt the Moyel's
stick attempt to augment his circumcision (for the second
time this season!). Hitting the floor with a resounding "thud,"
Rolnick went fetal and began to hear his father signing a
familiar song from his childhood: "Why's everybody always
picking on me?"
As it was only a grazing of Rolnick's, shall we say, "sensitive
area," he was able to slowly right himself and get back
into the game. Swearing not to forget his cup next week (and
swearing loudly in general), Rolnick played on for the rest
of his shift.
To honor Rolnick's near sacrificial act, the Gym Rats tied
the game on a phantom goal a few minutes later. After the
opposing goalie had stopped an initial shot, he then released
the ball into his own net. Although it appeared to be an accident,
this intrepid reporter thinks there was some sort of Jedi-mind-trick
involved. Regardless, the score was tied with 10 minutes to
play.
But the Gym Rats defense fell apart in the final minutes,
allowing three more unanswered goals, and failing to take
advantage of a brief power play (after one of Damian's dervishes
was sent to the box for the attempted manslaughter of Mr.
Rolnick in the corner).
At the final buzzer, the Gym Rats staggered off the court
(some more than others) and attempted to rally themselves
for next week's match.
So STAY TUNED!