SUNDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2006
HNA TIER 3 FALL/WINTER LEAGUE
PHANTASMOS vs. BARBARIANS
Phantasmos 6 – Barbarians 1
BENSENVILLE, IL – In their first match ever against
the Barbarians, Los Phantasmos played a solid first two periods,
and then set off an offensive explosion in the third. Consequently,
while the score suggests a blowout, the first two-thirds of
the game were anything but.
Once tardy forward, Josh “I Can’t Drive 35”
Tallo arrived in the middle of the first period, Los Phantasmos
were able to roll three full lines of offense, something which
has always worked to their advantage in the past.
Leading goal-scorer, Ross “Turning Tricks” Gerbasi
once again got the scoring started with the only goal of the
first period. Breaking in alone, he beat the goalie with a
quick wrist shot up high.
The rest of the period was a see-saw match of neutral zone
play, as Los Phantasmos were kept off of the scoreboard. The
team’s defense did an admirable job of turning away
the Barbarians attacks, often punctuated with a clever quip
from alternate captain, Jay “Your Mother Wears Combat
Boot Skates” Smith, or gentle “love taps”
from easily agitated alternate captain, Tedd “What?
I Barely Touched The Guy” Vanadilok.
The Barbarians managed to sneak one past Los Phantasmos netminder,
AJ “Mas Macho” Brandt in the second period to
even the score. Seeing as this was one of only two shots to
actually be on Los Phantasmos’ net during the period,
no one can confirm whether or not Brandt realized there was
still a game going on.
The tie didn’t last for long, however, as crafty winger,
Jeremy “Bootsy” Campbell stole the puck from one
of the Barbarians defensemen in their zone, then skated in
alone to score. The rest of the period was more neutral zone
battling, plus a barrage of Phantasmos scoring chances.
The most cringe-inducing of those chances came courtesy of
new Phantasmos, Cully “Grip Like Glue” Johnston.
Cully took a pass from center Bo “Turbo Boost”
Coonce, and swung wide right of the net. Then, a Barbarian
in his wake, Johnston cut back across the goalmouth and got
the netminder moving side to side. In a bizarre choice of
either indecision or an abundance of patience, Johnston held
onto the puck without shooting it. By the time he realized
he should probably put it on net, he was through the crease
and on his way to the opposite side boards. While it can’t
be confirmed, rumors abounded that he was in some way related
to the opposing goalie and was helping him “save face.”
The other major notable game moment came when Los Phantasmos
were on the power play and trying to set up an attack. As
star defenseman, Scott “Megaphones Are For P******”
Battle moved the puck out of the zone, winger Randy “Just
Because Rolnick Insists On Calling Me Peaches, Doesn’t
Mean The Rest Of You Have To Follow Suit” Cochran exhorted
his teammates to “Talk to each other!”
Witnessing the disconnect between who had the puck and what
Cochran was requesting, team captain Greg “PIM Free
Since October 3” Rolnick, asked incredulously, “You
do see who’s carrying the puck, right?” Cochran
had no retort, and in an ironic move, became remarkably silent.
Los Phantasmos opened things up in the third with an offensive
onslaught that made the hockey gods proud.
Tallo stole a puck in his own zone, and then went racing in,
trailed by Gerbasi and Rolnick for a three on none. There
was no need for the reinforcements, however, as Tallo deked
the goalie and scored his second goal of the season.
Gerbasi struck again for two more, notching his third hat
trick in as many games (including games with the Phantoms
in Tier 4). The first came on a beautiful backhanded shot
while parallel to the net, while the second was from a sweet
feed by Tallo, who had set up shop behind the net in Gretzky’s
office.
Speed demon and puck carrier extraordinaire, Craig “That’s
Outrageous!” Sonnenschein slammed home the final goal,
after the initial block of defenseman Dan “Boom Boom”
Phillips’ slap shot from the point.
GAME NOTES: The Phantoms were 0 for 3 on the PP, but amazingly
accrued zero PIM, thus never needing to play shorthanded;
Johnston was denied a goal in the third period, but did manage
to deposit his stick in the back of the Barbarians’
net, as opposed to the puck; condo managerial king, Keith
“Everyone Else Pales Next To” Hales is proud to
announce that he has reached an agreement in principal with
real estate baron, Donald Trump, in regards to the new Trump
Tower being constructed in downtown Chicago. In exchange for
taking over ownership of the Donald’s coiffure and agreeing
to never make eye contact with Mr. Trump, Hales will be given
exclusive rights to the 72nd floor of the new building, as
well as the bathroom on the 32nd floor. What can we say? Hales
is either a genius or a moron. We’re still trying to
figure out what the hell this deal is all about.