TUESDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2005
HNA TIER 5 FALL/WINTER LEAGUE
PHANTOMS vs. UNKNOWNS
Phantoms 0 -- Unknowns 4
WILMETTE, IL – Every sports fan knows that there is no
“I” in “Team.” However, there is most
definitely an “I” in “Fatigue” (there’s
also a “Fat,” but that’s neither here nor
there when it comes to Beer League hockey). Playing once again
with a short bench, the Phantoms tried to keep the recently
resurgent Unknowns at bay, but fatigue eventually set in, and
as most hockey players know, when your feet stop moving, bad
things happen.
The first period of the game was a back and forth defensive
battle, as neither team mustered more than five shots on goal,
with no one finding the back of the net. There were plenty of
hits though, a topic that will be addressed shortly.
In the second period, the Unknowns (or “GrimKnowns,”
as they are affectionately called due to their reliance on a
trio of players from Tier Three’s Grim Reapers to keep
their offense alive) put a point on the board. One of the aforementioned
‘Reapers snuck in behind the Phantoms defense and got
a slap shot five-hole past netminder, AJ “Call Me Ace”
Brandt.
Later, another ‘Reaper scored a highlight –worthy
wrist shot after picking up a rebound and letting it go from
parallel to the net, in a move that seemed to defy the laws
of physics.
Although the Phantoms out shot the opposition 13-6 in the second
period, they couldn’t seem to sneak one past the Unknowns’
goalie, who, to his credit, played a fantastic game (aided by
the Phantoms love of shooting the puck inches to the outside
of either post).
The Unknowns notched two more in the third. The third goal came
when the final ‘Reaper beat a fatigued Phantoms player
to a loose puck and skated in alone towards the net. Making
a nifty move, he got Brandt moving side-to-side and beat him
five-hole.
The final goal of the game came in the last minute of play.
Physically, and somewhat emotionally, drained, the Phantoms
appeared to be moving at half-speed, and allowed an Unknowns
player to chase the puck towards the end boards uncontested.
Seeing he had little help, Brandt skated out to try and play
the puck, in the hopes that someone would come over and bail
him out. This did not so much happen. Instead, the puck squirted
free, and the Unknowns were able to stuff in the fourth goal
of the game on an empty net.
But it wasn’t all bad news for the Phantoms. While they
couldn’t seem to score, they did manage to execute some
impressive (and mostly legal) open-ice hits.
The Phantoms Greatest Hits Collection began with Jay “Oh
No You Didn’t” Smith aggressively pursuing a loose
puck behind his own net. Building up a full head of steam as
he tried to beat an Unknowns forward to the puck, Smith introduced
himself to the opposing player with a beautiful, “I’ll
just take the puck, and smash you to the ice while we’re
here” move.
In the second period, Greg “Half An Ankle” Rolnick
learned the joys of the forecheck. Charging into the Unknowns
zone, Rolnick suddenly realized that the towering oncoming player
was skating with his head down, and had no intention of looking
up. With no time, or inclination really, to get out of the way,
Rolnick simply lowered a shoulder and grinned as the two collided.
While Rolnick stayed on his skates and pursued the now loose
puck, the Unknowns defenseman went flying backwards like Charlie
Brown trying to kick the football after Lucy just pulled it
away.
Phantoms defenseman, Russ “Take That, And A Little Bit
Of This” Thirsk also got into the hard-hitting action
while skating the puck into the offensive zone. An Unknowns
defenseman attempted to wrap himself around Thirsk like a crazed
fan/stalker, but Thirsk shrugged him off and onto the ice, all
the while maintaining control of the puck. Thirsk was immediately
approached by another Unknowns defenseman, who made the mistake
of trying to imitate Rolnick’s earlier hit on one of his
teammates. Thirsk proved to be a bit more of a solid object
however, and the unfortunate Unknown was sent sprawling to the
ice, desperately trying to relocate his bearings and dignity.
Captain, Mike “Free” Boyd, couldn’t resist
throwing his weight around towards the end of the game along
the Unknowns end boards. Since every wanna-be-goon has his day,
Boyd got away with a frustrated, and fairly illegal, leveling
of an Unknowns player who got in his way. To be fair, the Unknown
was needling Boyd with his stick, when the ornery captain one-armed
him into oblivion.
But even with all of the impressive physical play, the Subway
Sandwich of the Game goes to Scott “Freight Train”
Battle. When an Unknowns player tried to stop Battle from bringing
the puck in across the blue line, Battle lowered a shoulder,
knocked the poor slob into next week’s game, executed
some sort of ridiculous spin-o-rama move, and never lost control
of the biscuit. While his shot was regrettably turned away by
the Unknowns netminder, Battle nonetheless won the admiration
of his teammates, most notably Smith, who was overheard screaming,
“Yeah, Boyeeeeee!”
On the opposite end of the spectrum, V “Do I Have A Freakin’
Target On My Back Or Something?” Tongwarin was on the
receiving end of some punishing Unknowns hits, as well as the
victim of a terrible call. After getting “the business”
from one of the Unknowns behind the back of the referee, the
Phantoms’ bench erupted in protest on Tongwarin’s
behalf. The referee, realizing something bad had happened, but
not sure who had done it, called BOTH players for matching two
minute roughing minors. Tongwarin skated to the box shaking
his head and wondering if he was in some sort of sick, twisted,
hockey-based “Twilight Zone” episode.
Phantoms center, Randy “Seriously, Enough With The Peaches
Thing” Cochran provided the game’s most frightening
moment, when he was upended and came crashing down to the ice,
head first. After slowly getting back on his feet, Cochran commented
that he had this strange dream where all of his shots kept going
wide and to the left.
The Phantoms hope to have a full bench when they try to climb
back above .500 next week against the always-tough Fireblades.
GAME NOTES:
Defenseman Ron “Hey Look, Sax Rhymes With” Axe played
a strong game, and is currently in talks with ESPN Classic about
a retrospective of his distinguished career on the ice, just
as soon as the archival footage is located; The Phantoms went
2-0 on the PK, but 0-4 on the PP; Shots were even at 25-25;
Bo “Be The Best You You Can Be” Coonce will be leading
a motivational seminar next Sunday at McCormick Center entitled,
“Who Moved My Puck Bag?” Tickets are only $345 (US),
and greater personal hockey success is guaranteed or Jeff Blake
will pay you back*.
*Jeff Blake does not endorse this offer and questions
the legality of it all. Come to think of it, his legal team
will be in touch with Mr. Coonce’s marketing team shortly.
Thank you. |