SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2005
HNA TIER 5 FALL/WINTER LEAGUE
PHANTOMS vs. BLAST
Phantoms 4 -- Blast 7
BENSENVILLE, IL – Post-Thanksgiving games are never easy.
Players are often missing due to extended travel, still suffering
from tryptophan-induced sleep disorders, or slowed down by the
extra fifteen pounds of turkey they stuffed themselves with,
in between embarrassing family disputes at the dinner table.
And when it comes to embarrassment, the Phantoms had plenty
of it to go around against the Blast.
With half of the team unable to play, the Phantoms had only
eight skaters available for the game. After being put on the
IR with a sprained ankle, Greg “If Gretzky Can Do It,
Why Can’t I?” Rolnick showed up in his most coach-like
suit and prowled the bench, barking out line changes, team strategies,
encouraging words, and exaltations to “Get to the ^%$#@&!
puck, boys!”
With only three defensemen, and five forwards, the Phantoms
came out of the gate swinging, getting on the scoreboard first
when Bo “Cranberry Sauce” Coonce slammed home the
rebound from a shot by Ron “I Prefer To Slice My Turkey
With An” Axe.
Shortly afterwards, V “Wishbone” Tongwarin broke
free at the blue line and went charging in alone on the Blast
goalie. While his initial shot was rebuffed, he was able to
gobble up the rebound and put it in the net.
The Blast answered back, but Mike “Now That’s A
Tasty” Boyd fed a beauty of a pass to Tedd “Mmmm...Yams”
Vanadilok, who rocketed a shot from the point to give the Phantoms
a 3-1 lead going into the second period.
However, while it would seem that the Phantoms were in control
of the game, they had merely made the most of their few scoring
opportunities. The Blast peppered AJ “Iron Chef Glenview”
Brandt with 24 shots in the first period alone, and it was only
his inspired and tasteful saves that kept the Phantoms ahead.
The Phantoms limited the Blast to 14 shots and one goal in the
second period, but it became extremely obvious that fatigue
loomed over the team like the Underdog balloon at the Macy’s
Thanksgiving Day Parade.
In the third period, everything fell apart. While the Phantoms
notched one more tally, courtesy of a delicious wrist shot by
Dan “Feeds A Family of Four” Phillips, the Blast
opened the flood gates, scoring five times (including an empty
net goal in the final minute).
Nothing went right for the Phantoms, as they chased the Blast
around the ice, made poor decisions, and were last to the open
puck, like your slow cousin Charlie trying to beat everyone
else to the last piece of pie, but getting stuck at the table
due to his enormous gut.
When the final buzzer mercifully sounded, the Phantoms had fallen
for the second game in a row, this time by a final score of
7-4.
Defenseman, Jay “Sweet Potato Pie” Smith said it
best when he instructed a zealous reporter at the post-game
press conference to, “Get that $^*#@&! microphone
out of my face, unless it’s coated in painkillers.”
The Phantoms have plenty of time to recuperate and relocate
their winning ways before facing the Unknowns on December 7
in Wilmette.
GAME NOTES: Brandt faced an obscene 51 shots, turning away 45,
while the Phantoms only managed 20 shots all game; Rolnick’s
illustrious coaching career may come to an end, as he is scheduled
to be reactivated for the next game; Mike “You Americans
And Your Funny Holidays” Steinert is currently in talks
to host his own television show, What’d You Say, Eh?
on the new CBC America channel. WYSE will chronicle
his misadventures as a Canadian lost in the American Midwest.
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