if i were a cartoon character...or maybe just temporarily blinded

I went to the optometrist yesterday for the first time in a few years. This meant that I needed to have a barrage of tests run, including the eye chart, the wind in the eye trick, and multiple rounds of "look at this bright light until you feel blind, but for the love of all that is holy, don't blink."

I'm totally peeved at myself for blowing my glorious chance at optometrist humor as well. Back when I was a kid, I used to have lots of fun going to the doctor's office each year and messing around with the nurse as she ran the various tests. For instance, when they tested my reflexes, my knee wouldn't just bounce, it would practically have a seizure. And when they performed the hearing test, I would fall off the seat in apparent agony every time I heard the beep. Yes, they loved me.

But the best, the absolute pinnacle, was something my brother taught me. When they give you the eye test and ask you to read the bottom line, you say, "Made in Taiwan."

So I'm sitting there, and the woman asks me, "What's the smallest line you can read?" But what do I say? Something clever? Something funny? Maybe the line about "Made in Taiwan?" Nope. I say, "A...Z...D...and...2?"

I suck.

Just for kicks, they also dilated my pupils. I've never actually had this done before, and it was odd to say the least. Not only did my eyes become acutely aware of how incredibly freakin' bright it was in the office waiting room, but everything went blurry too. It was like, I dunno, I didn't have my contacts in or something. But more annoying.

After giving me a new prescription and some contact lenses to test out, they sent me home. Yes, they let me drive home. This turned into the scariest two mile drive ever, as I had my hat pulled down low over my sunglasses, but still could barely keep my eyes open due to the blinding sunshine. There was also about 276 billion extra cars on the road for some stupid reason, and all of their license plates were illegible. The entire way home I kept wondering just what the hell I was doing, and better yet, what the hell was my new eye doctor thinking?

Maybe my car was bugged and being recorded for some sort of terrible reality TV show. It's a theory.

Thankfully, after a few hours, everything went back to normal, but not before I had Overboard snap this picture for posterity:

Check out those peepers. Flattering pic, no?

POSTSCRIPT:
Overboard cracked me up by initially refusing to take the picture, under the guise of "the flash will fry your retinas or something!" I tried to politely explain that my eyes had already been exposed to everything short of radiation therapy, and that a flash would probably be okay. It sounded something like, "Listen, you out of focus woman, take the damn picture!"